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Dr.
Bonnis Jacobson received a Ph.D. from New York University in 1971, in
the department of applied psychology. Currently she serves as an adjunct
professor in this same department. Since 1980 she has been the director
of the New York Institute for Psychological Change. This is a collaboration
of Psychiatrists, Psychologists and Social Workers, with a variety of
specialties.
She has been in working in the field of psychology since 1965. Her private practice began in 1971. Her experience is comprehensive and my treatment interventions are very much based on the needs of the client. Her orientation is modern analytic I also use cognitive, behavioral and interpersonal techniques. Since 1990 she has served as a consultant to P.S.72, an elementary school in Spanish Harlem. Each year a stipend from the Bonnie Jacobson Training grant is awarded a fellow in the school psychology doctoral program at New York University. This school serves new immigrants mostly from Spanish speaking countries, welfare families, and many other struggling New York families. She has been a consultant to the Ministry of Welfare and Education in Israel for the past twenty years. As one of the founders of the ELEM, an organization that works with youth in distress, she consults on problems of living for children at risk. She is called upon for many newspapers and magazines including The New York Times, London Times, Philadelphia Inquirer, L.A. Times, Washington Post, New York Magazine, Vogue Magazine, Cosmopolitan, Elle and many others. She has been on numerous television and radio shows including Oprah, Montel Williams, Ricki Lake, Geraldo Rivero, Sally Jesse Raphael, Donahue, and various morning news and Sunday morning news programs. She is a member of The American Psychological Association, American Group Psychotherapy and Eastern Group Psychotherapy. She is certified by the State of New York as a clinical psychologist, since 1973 and also certified as a group psychotherapist since 1985. Suzie Housley: The Shy Single: A Bold Guide to Dating for the Less-Than-Bold Dater is a fascinating book that I couldn’t put down once I got started. Could you give us the background on how it became a published book? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: It started from my practice. About ten years ago, I began noticing that more and more of my patients were complaining of the thing: feeling socially incompetent, invisible to others and fearful, especially on dates and in social situations. The word “shy” was frequently coming up in our conversations. I began to research the topic of shy and came to understand that it was a trait that can be managed. From there, I began to conduct shyness workshops for small groups and see shy patients individually. The concept of the shyness attack, which I discuss in THE SHY SINGLE, emanated from my workshops. A shyness attack has three distinct stages: the fear of initiation, when you can’t make the first move—to say hello or introduce yourself—because you’ve overwhelmed with fear, circuit overload/flooding: You’ve gotten past the first stage and said hello, introduced yourself; maybe you’re on a second or third date, and you know it’s time to talk and connect, but after sitting on so many thoughts and emotions, you either shut down and barely converse at all (circuit overload), or a torrent of words come rushing out (flooding). Payback is the final stage. That’s when, after you’re back home again after a social event, you criticize your “performance,” and punish yourself for your perceived blunders or omissions, which you convince yourself have ruined your chances for future contact. This kind of punishment depletes self-esteem and can even keep you from venturing out, which is a shame because dating is often a numbers game. It pays to get exposure and just get out there. Suzie Housley: Do you see TV reality dating shows as a positive influence for single Americans? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: I think reality TV dating shows subtly put pressure on Shy singles to assume a take-charge attitude towards dating. That can be a good thing. Yet, unless you understand your shyness and learn how to manage it, with the tips, for example, I include in my book, that’s an unrealistic expectation. The key is to take small steps to building dating courage, which helps create a positive dating and social history we can fall back on. Suzie Housley: What do you feel is the most effective icebreaker? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: Based on what my clients tell me, I think rehearsing is key. That is, before an event like a cocktail party, role-play. Imagine yourself, for example, walking to over to a group and smiling and saying your lines, like “Hi, I’m Bonnie. I live across the hall.” Then, visualize someone else saying, “Hi, I’m so and so. I’m from Texas, visiting.” Just saying your name and introducing yourself can be so empowering for the shy. So often, they’re reactive. They wait for others to do the introducing first, which can set the tone for the rest of an evening. But if you’re proactive from the beginning, you’re often more so during the course of a social event. Courage builds on itself. Suzie Housley: What advice would you give to me as a to single women in her 30’s who has yet to find her potential soul mate? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: My advice is to read my book and personalize the advice so that you find a system that works for you. Maybe it’s wearing a conversation starter to break the ice; maybe it’s always going out with a buddy; maybe it’s never allowing yourself to critique your “performance” for more than 30 minutes (even setting a timer). Suzie Housley: I come from a very old fashion traditional family lifestyle where the women were taught at a very early age that it is the man who makes the first approach. Do you encourage women to throw out that concept and get with the 21st Century? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: I think it’s very important to be proactive, but you have to do that in a way that matches your dating style. It can be unrealistic to expect yourself to approach a man in a forthright manner, if that’s a huge stretch for you. Better to take it in baby steps. For example, instead of saying “Would you like to go out (with me) this weekend?” You might say, “A friend gave me special tickets to (something). Would you like to go?” The something might be a lecture, a concert, a movie, a play, a museum exhibit, or a sporting event. That way of asking removes you from the core of invitation. Or you might say, “You like classic/Cohen brothers/foreign films, too? We should catch one at the classic/cult/art house sometime.” That leaves it open-ended for your potential date to say, “Yeah, that’d be great,” and either walk away or follow up. In any event, the invitation is extended and you save face. If your potential dates says “No, thanks,” he may be disinterested in the something, not you. By the way, it’s perfectly fine to tell yourself that. The bottomline is that when you’re making a bold move by doing the asking in this subtle sort of way, it pays to give your date an out that softens the blow, if there is one. If the answer is no, don’t take it as rejection. Every time you venture out of your comfort zone, you’ve added to your life experience by giving yourself the opportunity to tolerate “no” without any disaster. For Shy Singles, that’s a big thing. Suzie Housley: How can a person distinguish whether a person is being polite or has a genuine interest in exploring a relationship. Dr. Bonnie Jacobson:
I think time tells, and little things add up. Do you keep going out? Does
your relationship seem to be deepening, and that each time, you feel you’re
getting to know the person more? Does the person you’re interested in
reveal personal information about him or Practice these important questions so you’ll be comfortable hearing them come out of your mouth. Suzie Housley: What is the best remedy in recovery after a potential mate rejects your advances? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: I think the best thing to do is tell yourself ‘I want to be with someone who wants to be with me.’ Make that your criteria. When you start to obsess about what went wrong, start repeating that phrase. If someone doesn’t want to be with you, there’s no need to fret because that person doesn’t meet your criteria. Then move on by continuing to make yourself go out, to events, restaurants, anything, to keep your social skills up. Even saying ‘hi’ to the doorman, to the dry cleaner and others you come in casual contact with can help. The worst thing for your self-esteem and courage campaign is to wallow for an extended period. Suzie Housley: For someone who isn’t a social drinker, avoids parties, and has few single friends, where would you suggest they go to find their potential mate? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: You could start by trying an online dating service; they’re a boon to the shy because you can really get to know someone before actually meeting him or her in person. Also, it’s good to take a class, one in which the opposite sex is likely to attend, such as a Dale Carnegie course, Toastmasters, the Sierra Club, a professional organization that’s connected to your work or a volunteer organization you’re interested in. Or consider connecting with a local chapter of old college sorority or fraternity. Most people know at least one person who is single. Mine your life for casual, social opportunities, then attend. Suzie Housley: What is the best advice you can give to someone who is unlucky in love? Dr. Bonnie Jacobson: It can be useful to take stock of what hasn’t worked and then set goals in a direction that does. For example, if you’ve only dated creative types who aren’t on solid footing with their careers, you might say, ‘I’m not going to try to date someone who knows where he’s at professionally and can put some energy into a relationship.’ Also, analyze your dating patterns. What has worked for you in the past? What hasn’t? Where did you feel most comfortable? Where did you typically meet someone? Chapter two in my book concentrates on helping readers set short and long-term goals, based on their dating style and I think that’s important. Actually writing down your experiences and assessing them can help break negative patterns that may be hindering you. It’s important work to do when you feel stuck, or unlucky in love. Again, it pays to be proactive. Although there is some luck involved in love, there’s also a lot of work, too. The
Shy Single Reviewed by Suzie Housley, MyShelf.com In my minds eye he is a perfect mate for me. He is tall, handsome, and has a warm winning smile. Whenever I pass him, and he acknowledges my presence, I can feel my heart quicken. There is only one problem – we can’t seem to get past the smiles, the ‘good mornings’ that seem to have us trapped in a endless daily ritual. I have never considered myself a shy individual, quite the opposite in fact. When I look back at all the failed attempts of trying to win someone’s attention I find that I could easily write a best selling comedy. The mistakes I have made throughout life have made me weary of trying my tactics once again. How does a single female who is career minded locate that special someone to give the love that is missing from her life? New York Psychologist Bonnie Jacsobson has provided a solution to help shy men and women overcome the barriers that are preventing them from finding one another. Her book is tailored so the individual reading it can make it into a journal. They can look back on and be reminded of ways "NOT" to keep sabotaging their chances of love. I
am very impressed with this author’s wealth of talent and advice.
Each day I find myself wanting to take that first step into ‘Mr.
Rights’ life and introduce him into my world. Getting past that
first hurdle is what is stopping me from finding everlasting love. I find
myself asking, ‘Will he accept me for the unique person that I am’?
That answer still remains to be seen. With Dr. Jacobson’s advice
I have gained the courage to reach out and try it once more. Very highly
recommended.
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